It feels like Valentine’s Day was invented to torture you personally after a divorce or breakup. You’re bombarded by the media with love stories, flowers, and candlelight dinners. Romance everywhere. Facebook and Instagram are landmines full of couple friends expressing their undying love and pictures of flowers that their husbands and boyfriends surprised them with.
It’s awful, I know.
And it be okay.
What you choose to focus on affects how you feel.
Your mind is going down some dark rabbit holes it doesn’t need to. “I’m all alone.” “I’m worthless.” “No-one will ever love me again.” “I’ll be alone forever.” “Why did he have to do this to me?”
By listening to your mind, Valentine’s Day is going to be a rough day because you are choosing to make it painful.
It’s a choice.
On Valentines Day, it’s super easy to fall into a feeling of self-loathing and lack. It’s like the holiday was invented to rub salt in your wound.
If you believe what the media shows you, you can’t help but feel like there is something wrong with you for not having “a special someone in your life”. Intellectually you know that it’s really just a made up holiday invented by greeting card companies and perpetuated by marketers.
But, you still end up telling yourself stories in your head that you are sad today because you are lacking external love. Your ex took that love away from you.
You can choose to focus on pain.
You fear that you will never find someone else and be alone on Valentine’s Day forever.
I had this fear too. You are focusing on lack. Your mind is telling you that just because things are this way today, that it will be this way forever. It’s a lie.
You believe that having a man love you will make you happy.
My ex ripped love away from me, so therefore I am sad. I don’t have love so therefore I can’t be happy. Nothing external can make you happy. True happiness and love comes from within you. Love does not come from the outside. External love may enhance your life, but external love is not responsible for your happiness. Only you can give that to yourself.
You confuse “love” with “romance”.
You focus on romance, not love. Cards and flowers are not love. Romance is sold to you as exotic vacations, love poems, and flowers. You are telling yourself that a candlelit dinner will make you feel better about yourself. If you are coming out of a divorce or long relationship, you know deep down that romance is not what a relationship is all about. Which brings me to the next thinking trap…
You use selective memory to focus on how “great” it was to be with your ex on Valentine’s Day.
You are believing a fantasy that things were so great and it was all taken away. You ignore the daily life of your relationship and the day-to-day actions of your ex and focus on romantic gestures. Any man can write an amazing love letter in a card one day a year. He could send you beautiful flowers. But romance isn’t love. How was the relationship the other 364 days of the year?
You want to know how I snapped myself out of the fantasy my first Valentine’s Day after divorce? I looked back at my journal. February 14, 2014 read like this. “We went out to a nice dinner, but the night ended with a fight again and I ended up crying.”
You have a choice.
You can choose to focus on pain.
You can choose to focus on how you are a victim, all alone on Valentines Day, you can choose to believe that you need external love to feel good, you can wallow in self-pity for the victim you are, you can feel bitter and jealous, and you can fantasize about the good parts of your relationship. It’s your choice.
You can choose to focus on love.
You have so much love in your life. Right this very moment. And you are stuck in your head going down the woe is me thought train. Get out of your head. Valentine’s Day is about love, why not celebrate all the abundance you have in your life right now?
You are truly free! You have been given a gift, the freedom to live and love your life, the space to open up and find love and partners who better align with who you truly are. It’s just a matter of time.
Think of all the people in your life right now who you love and who love you. Your family, friends, your pets, yourself!
Your value is not your relationship status. Your identity is not part of a couple or having a Mrs. in front of your name.
You are loved and give love. You have so much in your life to be grateful for.
You are amazing and truly free.
Spend Valentine’s Day celebrating real love. Not made up romance that the card companies put out. Not labels and statuses.
Focus on how blessed you truly are. Focus on your vision for the amazing life and adventure you are embarking on. One that is all your own. On your terms.
Celebrate the amazing and unique woman that you are.
Be the Heroine of Your Own Love Story this Valentine’s Day.
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