I see articles all over the internet on how to get your ex back. When I was in extreme pain during my separation and divorce, I admit, there was a point that I entertained the thought. After reflection, I realized how much of a terrible idea that was. My motivation for it was all wrong and I realized I’d be selling myself out. Today I will share with you five really great reasons you DON’T want your ex back, even if you think you do.
1. You deserve better
A good partner would not let you go. Period. If they left you or hurt you, they showed you that they are not right for you. Do not leave space in your heart or waste any more of your life on people who are not all in.
Look at it this way, your ex did you a favor and freed up space in your life for you to meet someone amazing who can better fulfill your needs. It doesn’t matter how long the relationship was: 1 year or 30 years, you still deserve to have someone in your life who wants to be there. Someone who will not hurt you.
Can you really go back to your ex knowing in your heart that they are a person who left or hurt you? They already left once. Would you feel safe and secure in the relationship or would you always be walking on eggshells, afraid of saying the wrong thing or making the wrong move that would cause them to leave again? That is no way to live. That is not what love is. You deserve better than that.
2. Your mind is playing tricks on you
After a breakup, your brain goes into crisis mode. You are in pain and your brain feels like it has to do something, anything, about it. Your brain lost its dopamine source and needs a hit. When your relationship ends, the neurochemistry of your brain reacts just like you are going through withdrawal from a drug. Your ex is that drug.
What is the easiest and quickest way to get that dopamine hit? To go back to status quo. Back to your ex. Your brain doesn’t care if it was a bad relationship, your ex cheated on you, or whether you ex even deserves to be in your life. It’s much, much easier for the brain to stay in the familiar. The quick, cheap fix. Your ex.
You feel compelled to contact your ex, just to hear their voice, get a text response, or stalk them on social media. It’s almost as if you aren’t even in control of yourself.
Your brain doesn’t want to to wait for you to do your self-work, go out and start dating again, it wants it’s dopamine rush now. A brain on withdrawal doesn’t have time to learn new habits and wire new connections or do what’s best for you in the long run.
Your brain hates the unfamiliar, the unknown, uncertainty. It would rather push you to a predictable outcome that is bad for you than to deal with uncertainty.
Remember, YOU are in CONTROL of your mind.
You do not have to follow everything it tells you to do. You know better. Stay strong and don’t entertain going back to your ex just to stop the pain. This pain will eventually subside as long as you take control and stay away from your ex. (If you are going through a divorce or share custody and you must stay in contact, keep it to a minimum and business only.)
3. You are confusing the “idea of them” with the “real them”
Now it’s time to be brutally 100% honest with yourself. Was your relationship really that great, especially towards the end? Was it a safe, happy relationship? Were your emotional needs met? Were you both growing as a couple and individuals?
Check yourself to make sure you aren’t putting your ex or the relationship on a pedestal. We “forget” about the constant arguments, the ruined vacations, the fact you felt smaller in your relationship. Often we are confusing the “idea of them and what they represent” with the “real person”.
Be honest with yourself, is it truly your ex that you miss? Or, are you missing what they represent, the expectations you had, or even your own status as girlfriend or wife? Do you feel like you lost your chance at a dream wedding, someone to go on vacation with, someone to not feel alone with, someone to grow old and retire with? If so, that is not your ex that you are missing, it’s what they represent.
Rejection tends to bring all our insecurities into the light. Our worth may be shot, our self-love seriously lacking. Fear of the scary unknown, fear of being alone forever, fear that no-one will want a 40 year old divorced woman with kids, fear that there are no good men left, fear of online dating, fear that was the best you’d ever get. Remember, the brain loves to play it safe. It hates the unfamiliar. It loathes uncertainty. Fear is how your brain is trying to communicate with you to play it safe. To scare you away from the unknown. Wanting your ex back out of fear is a classic case of better the devil you know.
5. The best reason = Love
You don’t want your ex back because it shows that you love yourself enough that you demand more from a partner. You’ll be out there in the world living your awesome life, making yourself available for a great partner when he comes along. Why would you settle for your ex, live a marginal life with a less than ideal partner, walking on eggshells everyday, unable to forget how they left you once? There are over 7 billion people on the planet. Stop acting like your ex is the last man on earth and start to look to your future! You are amazing, unique, and one of a kind. It’s time you start to think, “Why wouldn’t a new amazing partner want to be with me?”
You are stronger than you think you are. Don’t let your mind play tricks on you and keep you aching for the past. Your ex is not the answer to your pain. The only way through the pain is to feel it, learn from it, and use it transform into the amazing brilliant woman I know you are.
You got this!
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